Knowhow-Now Article

How to Work through Personal Conflict

Conflict is a natural and normal part of human life. However, when it takes place in the personal lives of people, it sometimes becomes an excruciating and debilitating challenge. Actually, conflict is not only inevitable in personal relationships; if handled correctly, it can actually help strengthen and deepen them. Here are few pointers on how to work through personal conflict without letting it ruin your work, your relationships, and your ability to enjoy life.

1. Commit to learning how to work through personal conflict. This means promising yourself not to ignore it, not to give in just to keep the peace and not to insist on having your way. The most difficult type of conflict will always be the ones that take place between you and the people closest to you but being able to resolve these will always have the most impact in just about every aspect of your life – including the quality of your sleep.

2. Come to an agreement with the people you are closest to that conflict is normal, natural and that it can be dealt with. Many people grow up in so-called ideal homes where parents are never seen in heated discussions; just as many grow up exposed to violent or threatening fights. Both groups come away from these experiences with a skewed view of conflict and they either handle it aggressively or avoid it as much as they can.

3. Be aware of your feelings. You might want to keep a journal where you can write down your feelings and allow yourself to vent. Keep the journal all about things that happened as well as how you feel. Keep the journal in a safe, private place. Review your journal regularly and ask yourself how you can respond constructively and assertively should the same things happen again.

4. Try to identify the triggers that set you off. Ask yourself why you reacted the way you did.

5. Begin to accept that working through personal conflict is not equal to winning an argument or getting your way. Neither is it equal to giving in without a fight just to keep the peace.

6. Learn to listen actively and have empathy. Try to see beyond what people are saying and be sensitive to their non-verbal ways of communicating.

7. Gather your thoughts and emotions; define the conflict as you see it then invite the person to a dialogue. Set the activity to be a non-threatening one and allow the other party to have a say in planning it or even determining what should be discussed.

8. If necessary, call on a third party to manage the dialogue. Ask someone both you and the other party trust – someone who will be objective about the whole process and will not take sides.

9. Set aside at least 2 hours for the process and make sure there are no interruptions. While the dialogue is going on, commit to not resorting to name-calling, physical violence or walking out.

10. Allow the other person to have his say. Do not interrupt or defend yourself while he is talking.

11. Refrain from making absolute statements by using words like never or always. Speak only about the specific times when a behavior occurred.

12. Ask for a break when the discussion becomes too heated or when it reaches an impasse but don’t walk out. A short break will allow emotions to cool down and will enable both parties to think clearly.

Conflict will be present in any relationship because it would very unrealistic to expect any two people to agree on everything. Conflict arises from differing needs and opinions, from perceptions that may or may not be based on reality.

However, people can work through personal conflict and manage it if they are willing to learn how to control their own behavior, pay attention to what others really saying and how they feel and most of all develop respect for the opinions of others.

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