Small Hurts Pile Up

In some situations the problems with the marriage are not obvious on the surface. Everything seems to be fine as the husband and wife go about their business. What you can't see is the growing pile of small hurts that are being stored like in an internal warehouse. When the pile gets too big the person realizes they are simply miserable and this can lead to divorce.

Not all marital problems are composed of big arguments and callous activities. Some marriages get into trouble because one person begins to tire of always feeling hurt or neglected. The hurts may be small ones, but they can build into a wall of anger or resentment that is damaging to a marriage. If you looked at the list of hurts it might not even look as if it's really worth the trouble of making. But when you start to think in terms of each hurt or offense happening dozens of times, it is easier to see how a spouse can finally decide they have had enough.

Forgiveness

One of the quickest routes to a marital blow-up is when a spouse begins to hold grudges. A grudge is when you don't forgive someone for a perceived hurt. For example, when your husband forgets your birthday it may be hard for you to forgive because you always make sure his birthday is celebrated. It is the small hurts which can cause you to feel unimportant to your spouse.

Small daily hurts include things like forgetting to let you know he would be late for dinner after you spent 2 hours cooking. The first few times were forgiven but when it continues to happen it indicates a lack of respect. That hurts. Your wife criticizes you all the time in front of your family. That hurts. Your spouse makes important decisions without your input. That hurts.

One after another the hurts pile up until their weight becomes unbearable the whole pile topples down. When that happens the chances are that there will suddenly be a major emotional explosion that takes your spouse by complete surprise. Of course, sometimes there were signs this was coming. A spouse who gets sullen for no apparent reason or appears to be unhappy with no explanation is probably nursing plenty of hurts.

You can't have a healthy marriage and nurse grudges and refuse to forgive. This is not to say you are supposed to endure the hurts without saying anything. In fact, quite the opposite is true. You do need to talk about the hurts and then explain why they hurt. By beginning a dialogue with your spouse you are able to give expression to your needs and feelings so your spouse understands how his or her actions are impacting the marriage.

Learning to forgive can take practice. It is a process of letting go. You have to let go of the negative emotions and feelings. You have to let go of the memories of the hurt. You have to let go of the past and move forward with the belief that the marriage is solid and healthy. You should never let small grudges pile up until they become a major problem.

Support Systems

When a couple has been married for a while, they learn to hide the true nature of their marriage from their spouses and the rest of the world. What the hurting partner doesn't realize is that he or she is not alone. Couples everywhere struggle with the day to day hurts that can eventually inflict so much pain. If the hurting person would take advantage of their support system they would find they are not alone at all.

A person who feels they can't forgive their spouse should seek marriage counseling. When you can't forgive there is no way the hurts can be erased. That means you are never seeking a solution to the problem. If you don't want to talk to a counselor right away then you should talk to your spouse first. It may be that your spouse simply did not realize that you were feeling so bad about the marriage. Once you begin talking about the problems and f8ind ways to address them then it will feel like a tremendous load has been lifted.

Small hurts may be small, but they can be just as painful as the larger ones. In order to change a course leading to divorce, you can erase those hurts and learn how to forgive. It's a lesson you will carry with you through a stronger marriage.